When He's Married to Mom Read online

  Advance Praise for When He’s Married to Mom

  “Dr. Ken Adams has done it again. This book on mother-son enmeshment explains not only this too little understood developmental block, but points the way to liberation. The absence of psychobabble makes it clear reading both for victims and their clinicians.”

  —John Franklin, Ph.D., Distinguished Professor of Counseling and Addiction Studies, University of Detroit Mercy

  “An engaging, clear, and extremely useful examination of this most common of family problems....I do a lot of couples therapy in my practice, and this is one of the most common unhealthy dynamics I see. This book will be enormously helpful.”

  —John C. Friel, Ph.D., author of Adult Children

  “It is a compelling, insightful, and helpful guide out of the sexual and romantic labyrinths families weave.”

  —Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., author of Out of the Shadows

  ALSO BY KENNETH M. ADAMS, PH.D.

  Silently Seduced

  FIRESIDE

  Rockefeller Center

  1230 Avenue of the Americas

  New York, NY 10020

  www.SimonandSchuster.com

  Copyright © 2007 by Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D., and Alexander P. Morgan

  All rights reserved,

  including the right of reproduction

  in whole or in part in any form.

  FIRESIDE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

  Designed by Mary Austin Speaker

  Manufactured in the United States of America

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Adams, Kenneth M.

  When he’s married to mom : how to help mother-enmeshed men open their hearts to true love and commitment /Kenneth M. Adams, with Alexander P. Morgan.

  p. cm.

  Includes index.

  1. Mothers and sons. 2. Men—Psychology. 3. Love—Psychological aspects. 4. Commitment (Psychology) I. Morgan, Alexander P. II. Title.

  HQy55.85.A33 2007

  155.9’24—dc22 2006048844

  ISBN-13: 978-0-7432-9138-5

  eISBN-13: 978-1-41653-936-0

  DISCLAIMER

  In my twenty-five years of practice, I have helped priests and politicians, media personalities and teachers, military men and medical doctors. Their case stories have informed and inspired the stories in this book. Of course, all real names and situations have been changed to maintain the anonymity of my clients. Often the stories are composites and combinations of real stories, for clarity as well as anonymity. If it appears that someone discussed in this book is identifiable in the real world, please be assured that this is merely coincidental.

  To Cheryl and Zachary, the love and joy of my life

  KMA

  To Janice, Abraham, and Julia, my reason for being

  APM

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Many people have influenced the development of this book. I am particularly grateful to the men, and the women who have loved them, who found their way to my office and shared their heartfelt stories. Their struggles and paths of healing served as the basis for When He’s Married to Mom.

  Dr. Patrick Carnes’s review and endorsement of an early draft of the book helped reassure me I was on the right track. His mentoring and friendship over the years have been a great support to me. He has helped show me how to handle difficult topics many would rather not talk about. Dr. John Friel also reviewed an early draft and offered an enthusiastic endorsement. He, too, has been a valuable mentor and friend. He was particularly encouraging when I first began studying and writing about enmeshment many years ago. I am deeply grateful to them both.

  Dr. Mark Schwartz has contributed an enormous body of research and clinical observations on the relationship between early attachment failure and later intimacy and sexual problems. His work has served as an important barometer for me over the course of my writing and clinical practice. It was critical to my thinking in laying the theoretical foundation for the book.

  Dr. Joe and Shirley Bavonese and Carol Ross reviewed an early draft of the book and gave helpful feedback. Janice Morgan provided the working title Married to Mom for the book. Dr. Martha Turner and Judith Matheny have reminded me regularly about the importance of my writing and work in this area. Dr. Alyson Nerenberg, Bob Dilbeck, Richard Sorensen, Paul and Ginny Hartman, Charley Schults, and Eric Griffin-Shelly have also encouraged me. My good friend Carl Schuman reviewed and offered important feedback on an early draft and has generously offered his support of my work over the years. I am thankful to them all.

  My associates Don Robinson, Connie Stephenson, Dr. Judith Trenkamp, and Judy Norwood offered invaluable support, wisdom, and insight regarding the enmeshment cases we treated. I am grateful to be working with such a competent group of colleagues.

  My wife, Cheryl, provided encouragement and accommodation for the time I needed for this project in a schedule that was already too tight for more. She also reviewed and offered helpful feedback of the book throughout. I am endlessly and lovingly grateful.

  Alexander would like to thank Susan Schwartz, Penelope Franklin, and Irene Prokop for valuable suggestions to improve the proposal for this book, while it was in early stages of development. He also appreciates the opportunity to “pitch” the book at the Mid-Atlantic Creative Nonfiction Summer Writers’ Conference in 2004. He would like to thank the conference director, Lee Gutkind, and his workshop leader, Dinty Moore, for their encouragement. He wants especially to acknowledge the hard work and beyond-duty dedication of Susan Schwartz for reviewing parts of the first draft. It is a much better book for her efforts. Finally, he sends love and appreciation to his wife, Janice, for all her encouragement and support.

  We both would like to thank our agent, Jane Dystel, for her recognition of the importance of the book and her expert guidance throughout. We are also thankful to Miriam Goderich for her guidance and encouragement. We are very grateful to our editor at Fireside, Cherise Davis, for her enthusiasm and insights. Together, they championed and guided the project. We appreciate all of their efforts.

  CONTENTS

  Acknowledgments

  A Loss of Freedom: The Enmeshment Trap

  Part One. What Are You Dealing With?

  1. Anne’s Dilemma:

  The Man Who Won’t Commit

  2. Doug’s First Date:

  The Womanizer

  3. Tony Just Wants to Have Fun:

  The Perpetual Adolescent

  4. Father Mark Is Killing Himself:

  The Burned-out Caretaker

  5. Sam Loves His Computer:

  The Cybersex Addict

  6. Why Warren Will Never Be President:

  The Disappointed Hero

  7. Freddy Has Anxious Sex:

  The Lost Man

  8. Why Do Mother-Enmeshed Men Struggle to Be True to Themselves?

  Betrayed by Enmeshment

  Part Two. How Can You Heal?

  9. Becoming Aware:

  Making the Unconscious Visible

  10. The Healing Journey:

  About Therapy

  Part Three. How Do You Build Healthy Relationships?

  11. Being Your Own Man:

  How a MEM Can Make Things Better with Parents, Siblings, and Others

  12. Divorce Mom and Don’t Marry Someone Like Her:

  Guidelines for MEM on Dating and Marriage

  13. Should I Stay or Should I Go?

  And Other Questions Asked by Women Involved with MEM

  14. Guardian Angels:

  Parenting Is a Spiritual Mission

  15. Getting Past Enmeshment:

  A New Freedom

  Notes r />
  Recommended Reading

  Bibliography

  Resources

  Index

  A LOSS OF FREEDOM: THE ENMESHMENT TRAP

  Over the course of my twenty-five years of clinical practice, I have worked with and successfully treated hundreds of men who have excessive emotional ties to their mothers. They feel trapped, guilty, and disloyal when attempting to follow their own wishes and lead their own lives. I refer to this syndrome as mother-son enmeshment; those who suffer from it are mother-enmeshed men, MEM for short. (I also use MEM for the singular “mother-enmeshed man.”) Often these men are portrayed in books, movies, and television as weak and indecisive. There is little awareness that they have been damaged and that enmeshment is a major cause.

  MEM are commitment phobic. Women who love them are often frustrated that their lovers will travel only so far down the road of courtship before they get stuck. At the beginning of the relationship, these men are so exciting, so loving, so considerate . . . then the connection suddenly loses all its energy. The men back away and won’t explain why. They won’t commit!

  From the man’s perspective, however, it is not that he won’t commit but that he can’t commit. His childhood relationship with his mother—embedded now in his unconscious as a template controlling his behavior—won’t allow him to get serious about someone else.

  Most close relationships between mothers and sons are not enmeshed relationships. The key distinction is that, in a healthy mother-son connection, the son’s needs are being addressed and the mother meets her own needs for emotional support and companionship elsewhere. In an enmeshed relationship, the mother uses her son for emotional support and companionship. He learns to focus on keeping her satisfied. He becomes her surrogate husband. Struggling under this burden, he is drained of his youthful energy.

  This book isn’t about blaming mothers or trying to provoke guilt. It’s about inviting mothers to free themselves and create emotional safety for their children, who will be able to grow up to have fulfilling lives and their own happy children.

  Commitment phobia is one of the symptoms exhibited by MEM, but there are others. Many MEM feel guilty and inadequate and are bothered by low self-worth. They can also be indecisive. MEM are sometimes people pleasers, who help others at a severe cost to themselves. Self-neglect is another common symptom of MEM. Finally, when a MEM initiates therapy with me, it will often be to deal with the addictions and sexual problems that are common consequences of mother-son enmeshment.

  It is estimated that one in ten men in this country have excessive ties to their mothers. This conservative estimate comes from established data on men sexually abused as children, male sex addicts, and adult children of alcoholics, where estimates of MEM can be made. For example, clinicians in national inpatient addiction treatment programs have estimated in informal surveys that up to 40 percent of male sex addicts have enmeshment issues with their mothers. Further, this enmeshment is seen as a significant factor in their sexually addictive behavior.

  A clear profile has emerged for mother-enmeshed men. I explain the profile in Part One of this book and present case histories of seven different MEM in the first seven chapters. Each of these MEM manifests a different aspect of the MEM profile. Although these men and their partners and their stories are different, each is rooted in the dynamic of mother-son enmeshment. I would like the hopeful outcomes of these stories to encourage you by showing that your relationship is not as uniquely frustrating as it seems and that other couples have overcome similar problems. Chapter 8 summarizes the key points of Part One.

  In Part Two we turn to you, the reader, and offer two chapters focusing on self-understanding, beginning with a questionnaire: “Are You a Mother-Enmeshed Man?” If you can’t wait to evaluate yourself, you will find it at the beginning of Chapter 9.

  Chapter 9 goes on to consider the astonishing influence that the unconscious mind has on our daily lives. Although the unconscious helps us decide whom we date, whom we make love to, and whom we marry, it often operates outside our awareness and our will. Self-understanding requires learning to observe unconscious influences and to heal unconscious wounds.

  The unconscious is not always an unhealthy influence. When a childhood has been emotionally healthy, the unconscious operates as a functional silent partner. It doesn’t intrude, and it can be helpful, for example, by giving access to creative energy and intuition. A foundation of healthy early experiences powers our joy, our willingness to bond with others, our ability to feel passion, and our healthy sexuality.

  But a childhood marred by emotional damage establishes an unconscious mind that is intrusive. It holds the remnants of a child’s unresolved conflicts, fears, and angers. It responds to these old injuries by acting them out, often to the harm of the adult the child becomes. Fortunately, the unconscious can be negotiated with and encouraged to express its story with less damage and a more positive outcome. Therapists are the guides in these negotiations, and the therapeutic journey is the only route that leads to this accommodation. For a MEM to get better, he must understand how enmeshment is limiting his life, how his unconscious mind influences his life, and how psychotherapy can change his life.

  Chapter 10 discusses therapy: Who needs it. How to choose a therapist. What should happen in therapy. I have had much success with MEM in therapy, a fact that I hope carries a message of hope for healing to everyone reading this book.

  Part Three is about relationships: how things can be made better for MEM and the people who love them. Since many of my MEM clients first came to see me at the urging of their wives, fiancées, or girlfriends, I include in Part Three specific advice for women involved with MEM.

  Chapter 11 focuses on how to make relationships with parents and siblings into positive sources of support or, if that’s impossible, to limit the damage. There is advice in Chapter 12 on romance and commitment for MEM and in Chapter 13 for women involved with MEM. Chapter 14 has guidelines for parents who want to avoid enmeshing their own children.

  The good news for MEM, and the women who love them, is that help is possible. A MEM can be treated using a variety of techniques, including support groups and psychotherapy. With treatment, he can be freed from the painful inner conflicts that drive his “ambivalent” behavior. I’ve helped many MEM for whom commitment eventually became a liberating adventure rather than a burden. For the women involved with MEM, this book is a guide to what is going on with their men and how best to help them.

  There is a universe of difference between a mother who loves her son dearly and a mother who makes her son the primary focus of her passion and preoccupation in an attempt to compensate for her own emptiness. I invite readers to clarify this distinction as they read this book and discover a message of hope, love, and freedom.

  PART ONE

  What Are Yow Dealing With?

  1 ANNE’S DILEMMA

  The Man Who Won’t Commit

  Sonny and Anne sat on the front porch of his mother’s house, talking in whispers. Anne felt almost beyond tears. Sonny sat beside her, confused.

  “You’ll never find a better woman than me,” Anne was saying. “Except your mother, of course,” she added, her anger breaking through to sarcasm.

  “This isn’t about my mother,” Sonny said. He tried to explain, for what felt like the hundredth time. “So my mother relies on me. What’s wrong with that? I’m her only son. She can’t manage on her own. She needs to know I’m there for her.”

  Anne stood up, barely containing herself. “That’s not what it’s about! Your mother never lets you alone. She interrupts us day and night; you never say no to her.” Anne walked toward the steps, pulling on her coat. “Go ahead, go take care of her! I’ve just about had it.”

  Sonny started after Anne, but then he stopped. He didn’t know what to do. He knew he loved her, but . . . “You’re being silly,” he said. “This isn’t her fault.”

  Just then the front door opened, and Sonny’s mother, Ruth, lea
ned halfway out, clutching a flowered robe around her.

  “Sonny,” she said, ignoring Anne, “I forgot to tell you . . . the men to fix the lights are coming tomorrow afternoon.”

  Sonny stood up and put his arm around his mother. “That’s good, Mom,” he said. “I’m glad you’re getting those bathroom lights fixed. That flickering is driving me crazy.”

  “So, you’ll come maybe for lunch . . . then, when they show up, you’ll tell them what’s wrong?”

  “I’ve got to work tomorrow, Mom. The men will know what to do, just show them the lights.”

  “I hate to be alone with strange men here. It makes me so nervous.”

  “Okay, Mom. Call me when they come, and I’ll talk to them.”

  Ruth’s lip quivered; then she shrugged. “If that’s the best you can do. . . .” She shook her head and went back inside.

  Anne was halfway down the steps. She turned around. “I love you, Sonny, but I’m thirty-five. I can’t wait forever.”

  Sonny was beginning to feel guilty and angry, and these feelings scared him. “If you let me get away,” Anne was saying, “twenty years from now, you’ll regret losing the love of your life. And twenty years from now, regret will be all you have. But now . . . now you can do something about it.”

  “Anne,” Sonny began, “What do you want me to say?”

  “Make a decision. Say yes, say no, but don’t keep me waiting like this.”

  Sonny stood, speechless. Something in him wanted to say no, just to get it over with. But, somehow, the word “regret” had struck a chord. Why couldn’t he decide? He’d always been this way, and he hated it. It was so hard making decisions.

  Anne sensed Sonny’s desperation. She saw how stuck he was. She didn’t want to leave him, but she just couldn’t take this anymore. Something had to give. What could she do?

  Anne’s Had Enough